Sunday, August 30, 2009

Resolving interpersonal conflicts

Conflicts usually take place when there is a lack of mutual understanding between two people. They can happen among friends or family members and between 2 people in a relationship or marriage. They may also happen in the workforce, among colleagues or in school between teachers and students. I would like to think that having Emotional Intelligence helps us connect with others and by that creation of some sort of common understanding with them. EQ creates in us a sense of awareness towards our emotions, the ability to control our behaviour, so that we will not be socially illiterate and express ourselves in a negative way. We can  have a healthy relationship with just about anyone by having the ability to communicate and express our true emotions without hurting anyone with our words and actions.

Here's a fictitious scenario which I feel illustrates very well the fundamentals of EQ and the relation in helping to  avoid interpersonal conflicts.

Hubby:
 Where shall we have dinner?
Wife:
Anywhere, you decide.
Hubby:
What do you feel like eating?
Wife:
Anything, you decide.
Hubby:
Ok, what if we go to that new place in the East?
Wife:
No. It's the weekend, it might be crowded.
Hubby:
Hmm.. What about that restaurant up North?
Wife:
Too far, I want to get home on time to watch the movie on HBO.
Hubby:
Ok, then u decide where to go because I have no more ideas.
Wife:
But you're the one driving! Take us anywhere!
Hubby:
Stop being such a pain.
Wife:
I'm being difficult? I told you earlier we should have gone to Mom's place for dinner. But you refuse to listen!
Hubby:
I'm sick of Mom's cooking, I just wanted to have a nice dinner outside, with you. Is that so hard?
Wife:
You could have told me before we left the house then at least I don’t have to tell Mom that we weren't coming. She sounded upset over the phone, you know.
Hubby:
It’s always about your mom, isn’t it? What about me? You never think about me at all. Don’t you realise? Maybe I don’t like going to Mom's place. Maybe I feel uncomfortable...she having to cook for us and entertain us when she could be resting or something.
Wife:
How would I know? You never say anything! You always agree to go! There was no problem until now!
Hubby:
Do I have a Choice?
Wife:
Of course! You could have just told me…you know, you never tell me a lot of things anymore!
Hubby:
How can I when you don’t listen?

And so, the bickering continues…

This is where you come in for analysis!

But before doing so, here are some things to take note.

For Wife and Hubby, their weekly routine is to visit Wife's Mom over the weekend. Mom will cook and they will spend a little bit of time catching up with her. On this day, Hubby has a change of plans. His idea was to have a nice dinner with Wife, just the 2 of them. However, Wife is angry at Hubby for not informing earlier in the day of his plan. To make matters worse, Wife is being uncooperative and unresponsive when Hubby asks her for her opinions and suggestions. From then on, one thing leads to another, and a msiunderstanding turns into a more personal heated argument, bringing in Mom into the picture. In this case, both of them are expressing their true feelings, but they are coming off too strongly and so the things they say may not necessarily be right. Some over-generalisations are made, bias comments passed and the tone used are totally not helping in this situation.

So, food for thought:

From the conversation, should Wife and Hubby have reacted accordingly? Why do you think they acted the way they did? Is there a better way of communicating their displeasure? How can they resolve this conflict and avoid it in future? Does EQ have a part to play in building a better relationship?

I am open to any ideas and views about this particular scenario. I would love a discussion too if anyone pleases. 

3 comments:

  1. This is a familiar arguement between husbands and wives that we often watch on television, or even in real life. In my entry, I have also written on communication breakdown between opposite sexes. Perhaps, the reason why men and women misunderstand each other is that they see and hear things through different filters.

    From your scenario, it is evident that the husband and wife did not express their thoughts and opinions in a clear manner. Both of them did not see the importance of effective communication in their relationship. Hence, misunderstanding arose and both are blaming on each other. There is no consideration for each other's feelings and for this case, not putting their EQ to good use.

    I feel that the husband should be pro-active to inform the wife of the changes for dinner on that day. On the other hand, the wife should be responsive in making effective feedbacks and opinions to the husband in order to avoid any unnecessary misunderstandings and unhappiness.

    Either way, both of them should be active in exchanging ideas and in providing a listening ear whenever appropriate. Whilst doing so, they should speak only after choosing the right words and tone to use that can help prevent any conflicts or hurt to another party.

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  2. I think the argument between husband and wife largely arose due to the negative words they used. If they'd spoken to each other using more neutral tones, the exchange might not have spiralled downwards into a fight.

    It is easy to blurt out emotionally-laden words on the spur of the moment, especially words that we end up regretting.

    The husband's saying "Stop being such a pain" marked the start of the entire argument. If he'd taken a moment to calm down and come to a new decision, perhaps his wife wouldn't have gotten so angry. However, the location (in the car, i.e. an enclosed area where the two parties are in close proximity) probably didn't help.

    To resolve this particular argument, the husband can stop the car somewhere and give them both a chance to put things in perspective, before trying to decide on a plan again. (I'm pretty sure they just need a little bit of time to see the issue from the other party's point of view.)

    Future conflicts can be avoided if they just remember not to let emotions get the better of them and shoot their mouths off.

    Of course, if they'd let each other know about what they expected before they got into the car, there wouldn't even be something to argue about in the first place.

    So yes, EQ does come into play, since putting oneself in another's shoes will help to avoid ugly confrontations. :)

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  3. I believe that this whole scenario is purely base on imagination. This kind of thing only happened when the relationship is already strained. And of course, once a relationship is strained, they can argue over anything. Ask the girls! They are good at picking a fight over unreasonable stuff.

    However of course, being an understanding husband, there are ways of handling such unreasonable wives. There are 4 things you must say. Basically, they are:
    1)I am sorry
    2)You are right
    3)I am wrong
    4)I love you

    If these four things are mentioned and still it doesn't help. Then i think the couple can consider going to some marriage counselling service for help.

    Lastly, i believe that there should be more communication between a couple. the above-mentioned situation will never happen if couples communicate properly.

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